- Tamar Gaffin-Cahn
- Apr 27
- 3 min read
Humans are meaning makers. We make meaning of the stars, loss, life, and failure. But our brains also crave the binary; however, the binary does not exist in totality because we are all different. Now what? This newsletter shares different ways to sit in the discomfort to heal, make meaning, or make decisions in your own life.
What I'm Reading
This month, I finished the book Nightfaring: In Search of the Disappearing Darkness by Megan Eaves-Egenes, a fascinating nonfiction account by a travel writer who advocates for less light pollution to (re)connect with the stars and learn what darkness can teach us. She discusses the power of night and the necessary natural movements of animals and nature. She writes:
Valerio and I discussed how the merits of wolf rewilding have been hotly debated, and many people remain staunchly opposed. But he told me research shows time and again that predators are crucial to ecosystems, precisely because they inspire fear. Apex Predators like wolves are sometimes called keystone species because they change the behavioral and grazing patterns of their prey, like elk, which in turn affects the growth patterns of shrubs, grasses, and trees that the elk browse on. These patterns have a domino effect across the food web, known as a cascade. To take an example: Wolves were killed off in Yellowstone National Park in the 1920s, and studies following their successful reintroduction in 1995, more than seventy years later, have shown astonishing ripple effects. The wolves curtailed excess populations of elk, which allowed willow, aspen, and cottonwood trees to regrow. The renewed presence of willow stands provided ample sturdy wood for beaver families and songbirds to repopulate. Beaver dams positively affected springwater runoff, and the trees provided needed shade for aquatic populations. The effects went on and on down the cascade. Ecologists call this the "ecology of fear," and the way that predators affect species and fora distribution are "landscapes of fear.”
“Ecology of Fear” sounds terrifying, to be honest, but let’s look at what fear can teach us and do for us, because sometimes we need a little fire under our ass. Adding the right amount of pressure or fear can get us out of our comfort zone into our learning zone. By fear, I don’t mean a free-range apex predator in your bedroom; I mean, time pressure or doing something you’ve never done before, or even a fear of failure. Has fear ever gotten your gears going, and what has been the positive ripple effect?
What I'm Listening To
In a world of ghosting, by employers or in romance, filled with unanswered questions, ranging from the tragedy of a disappearing loved one to an unexplained breakup, we are often sitting in “ambiguous loss.” Over a delicious lunch, with a long-term, almost-Rabbi friend, we discussed acceptance of breakups when we’d never really get the answer. The pain of “what could have been” torments us in the waking moments of each day. We discussed “closure” and “resolve” as the final stage of grief, but are they? Spoiler: they’re not, as the grief process isn’t linear, nor cyclical.
My friend shared an episode of the On Being with Krista Tippett podcast featuring an interview with Pauline Boss, who coined the term “ambiguous loss.” Boss has worked with families of people who disappeared on flights to divorced couples. Ambiguous loss is a way to debunk the grief process, find meaning, and navigate hardships connected to the unknown.
Have a listen on Apple Podcasts.
What I'm Doing
F*ckup Nights Boston is officially looking for sponsorships! Do you have a business or organization that believes in the power of failing? Do you want to connect with a community-focused, growing movement in Boston that cares about no-bullsh*t, honest conversations? We want to connect! Email us at boston@fvckupnights.com.
What's Moved Me
The psychologist Abraham Maslow on maturity:
"The most mature human beings are also childlike. That is not as contradictory as it sounds. The most mature people are the ones who can have the most fun.
They are able to regress at will; they can become childish and play with children and be close to them. It is no accident, I think, that children generally tend to like them and get along with them.
Involuntary regression is, of course, a very dangerous thing, but voluntary regression seems to be characteristic of very healthy people."
Source: Emotional Blocks to Creativity
What I'm Wiggling To
This is my recent song to listen to on repeat. Along with a bit of sunshine, this song has helped me pull myself out of seasonal depression (then Noah Kahan’s new album put me right back in).
Stay Playful,
Tamar
